While serious illness can be present in anyone's life, AIDS has posed new challenges for everyone: not only individuals with AIDS, but also their families and friends. People who are in the prime of their lives may become ill, and have their lives severely affected. Their suffering and fear will be shared by the people close to them.

When someone you know has AIDS related illness, you may feel helpless or inadequate. If they have been a good friend you may say, "Just call if you need anything." Then out of fear or insecurity you may dread the call, when it comes.

Here are some thoughts and suggestions that might help you help someone who is ill:

• Don't avoid them. Be there. It instills hope. Be the friend, the loved one you've always been, especially now when it is most important.
  
  
• Touch them. A simple squeeze of the hand or a hug can let them know that you still care. Don't be afraid...you cannot contract AIDS by simply touching someone.
  
  
• Call before you plan to visit. They may not feel up to a visitor that day. Don't be afraid to call back and visit on another occasion. They need you. They may be lonely and afraid.
  
  
• Cry with them when they cry. Laugh when they laugh. Don't be afraid to share these intimate experiences. They enrich you both.
  
  
• Call and say you're bringing a favorite dish. Be specific about what time you are coming. Bring the food in disposable containers, so there won't be any need to wash dishes. Spend time sharing a meal.
  
  
• Go for a walk or outing, but ask about their limitations.
  
  
• Offer to help answer any correspondence with which they may have had difficulty.
  
  
• Call and ask for a shopping list and make a "special delivery" to their home.
  
  
• Help them celebrate holidays and life by decorating their home or hospital room. Bring flowers or other special treasures, include them in your holiday festivities.
  
  
• Help the lover, care-partner, family, or roommate. They may also be suffering. Care-partners also need a break from the illness from time to time. Offer to stay with the person who is sick in order to give the loved ones a break. Invite them out. Offer to accompany them places. They may need someone to talk with as well.
  
  
• If he or she is a parent you might be able to help care for the children, or perhaps you could offer to take them away to visit with you.
  
  
• Be creative. Bring books, periodicals, taped music, a poster for the wall, home-baked cookies or delicacies to share with visitors. All of these become especially important now. Bring along another old friend who perhaps hasn't been to visit.
  
  
• A Visitors Book is a welcome gift in the hospital so they can keep track of who has been to visit even if they were asleep.
  
  
• Don't be reluctant to talk about their illness. They may need to talk about their condition. Find out by asking: "Do you feel like talking about it?"
  
  
• Don't feel that you both always have to talk. It's okay to sit together silently reading, listening to music, watching television... holding hands. Much can be expressed without words.
  
  
• Can you take them somewhere? They might need transportation to a treatment...to the store or bank...to the physician or perhaps a movie.
  
  
• Help them feel good about their looks if possible. Tell them they look good, but only if it is realistic to do so. If their appearance has changed, don't ignore it. Acknowledge the fact. Be gentle and remember...never lie.
  
  
• Include them in decision making. They've been robbed of so many things and lost control over many aspects of life. Don't deny them a chance to make decisions, no matter how simple or silly they may seem to you.
  
  
• Tell them what you'd like to do for them, and if they agree do it. Keep any promises you make.
  
  
• Be prepared for them to get angry with you for "no obvious reason," although you've been there and done everything you could. Permit this but don't take it personally. Be flattered that they feel close enough to you to risk sharing anger or frustration.
  
  
• If they indicate that they're tired of talking about the disease, be willing to gossip with them. Fill them in on mutual friends, organizations, etc. Take your cues from them.
  
  
• What's in the news? Discuss current events with them from the media. Help keep them from feeling that the world is passing them by.
  
  
• Offer to do household chores, perhaps doing the laundry, washing dishes, watering plants, feeding and walking pets. This is appreciated more than you realize. However, don't do for them what they can do for themselves. Don't take away chores they can still do. They've already lost enough. Ask before doing anything.
  
  
• Send a card that says simply "I care!"
  
  
• If you are religious/spiritual, ask if you could pray with them or for them. Don't hesitate to share your faith with them. Religion/spirituality can be very important at times such as these.
  
  
• Don't lecture them or be angry if they seem to be handling their illness in a way that you think is inappropriate. They may not be where you expect or need them to be.
  
  
• Don't permit them to blame themselves for the illness. Remind them that lifestyles don't cause diseases, germs and viruses do. Help them through this one. It may be especially hard.
  
  
• Remember that friends and lovers are also part of his or her family. Treat them like any loving family member.
  
  
• Do not confuse acceptance of the illness with defeat or giving up. Acceptance can be freeing and give them a sense of their own power.
  
  
• Don't allow them or their care-partner to become isolated. Let them know about the support groups and other concrete, practical services offered without charge by LPRC and the BCPWA Society.
  
  
• Talk about the future...tomorrow, next week, next year. Hope is important.
  
  
• Bring a positive attitude. It's catching.

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